The Agony of Defeat

It's Going to Be a Long Season

2006-09-06T16:51:00.000-06:00

Hockey Canada has followed the NHL's lead in asking referees to crack down on obstruction and stick fouls this winter which means that it's going to make for a long season for me and my collegues.

Survey says...

2006-08-15T11:30:00.000-06:00

As I wrote on Ross' blog, we should all have a go at this thing. Here's mine, feel free to respond with your own answers:

1. Have you ever been in a fantasy league?

I have, and I don't think I'm going to do it again. Every time I play a fantasy game, whether it was the old VGM on nba.com, or Yahoo's Fantasy NBA league (which I've done for the last two consecutive years), I always run out of gas on it after the All-Star break. Also, I'm done with the NCAA bracket pool, as it wrecked every win that I picked incorrectly, and actually had me rooting for Duke (Duke!) this year. That's just wrong.

2. What was the first jersey you ever owned?
I think I owned a late 80's Flames road jersey with no number on it when I was in grade four (go ahead with your "Chris is old" jokes—I'm ready for them). I would have had Nieuwendyk on the back though, if possible. First basketball jersey was Phoenix Suns home Kevin Johnson jersey, replica by Champion.

3. Top 5 sports books (in no order)
I don't read a lot of sports books, unless I'm getting them for free to review. With that said...

1. Inside the Cage, by Wight Martindale, Jr.
The most recently read, but a great look at a summer spent in NYC playing basketball on one of the world's most famous blacktops. Also follows the burgeoning career of the pride of West 4th, a young kid named Smush Parker, who blew up with the Lakers this year.
2. When Nothing Else Matters: Michael Jordan's last comeback, by Michael Leahy (no relation to Jim, of Sunnyvale Trailer Park fame).
Extensive coverage of Jordan's tenure with the Wizards, including management days, the comeback and just how ugly it got. Shows Jordan to be a bit of a dick, who lost his power when his game wasn't where it was in 1998.

That's all I've got right now. Sad, no? Yes. It is. I wanted to mention one book that I really want to read, it's one I got Danny for Christmas this past year. How Hoosiers went hip hop, by Jon Wertheim.

4. 10 favorite athletes (in no real order)
Michael Jordan
Vince Carter (mostly based on past performances—anything from his pre-nike days, up to the 2000 Olympics)
Magic Johnson
LeBron James
Wayne Gretzky
Steve Nash
Chris Webber (young)
The Rock (he counts, right?)
Dwyane Wade
Junior Cadougan (wait, you'll see)

5. Three Athletes I secretly admire but am ashamed to admit it for fear of ridicule

1. Andrei Kirilenko (don't care enough to check if his name is spelled properly): Insane overall game. Too bad he's such a nerd and plays for Utah.
2. Jeff Stork: hahahhaha, just kidding.
3. I think I'm pretty honest about athletes I admire, regardless of who they are. I'll leave three open. And two for that matter, as there's no admiration there. At all.

6. Tag!
If you haven't filled this out, you're it.

You haven't lived until....

2006-06-30T22:20:00.000-06:00

You've seen this

With the 20th pick, the New York Knicks select...

2006-06-30T15:23:00.000-06:00

os, I asked for footage of this yesterday, turns oout it just took an extra day to show up on YouTube. We're going to break this down for you with three different camera angles and everything. The first is the ESPN feed. It's a little long, but don't turn it off until after Jay Bilas and the boys finish calling Balkman a 2nd round talent and saying that no one else would have taken him:

Also take note of the classy "Fire I-say-ah" chant to start the draft. Rolls off the tongue much better than "Fi-yer Lay-Den".

Now, let's go to the fan-cams:

This one goes through an interesting array of emotions:

Stern emerges, and the booing begins. Are they booign Stern? or Are they booing the Knicks because they know they'll fuck up?

Stern announces there is a trade, Knicks fans boo thinking it's their pick. Cause, you know, they want Marcus Williams.

The trade is between Philly and Chicago, Knicks fans settle down.

Stern starts to announce the 20th pick... spattered cheering before being hushed to hear the pick.

"...Renaldo Balkman" BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

This stuff makes me laugh so hard.

Simon.

2006-06-29T13:04:00.000-06:00

Shawn Marion + Leandro Barbosa for Dirk?

My favourite is tha part about Crown and Coke. Also, if anyone can find footage of the Knicks picking Renaldo Balkman last night, link me up.

It's time for the Birdman to Fly.

2006-06-26T16:07:00.000-06:00

Yeah. Two years later, he's out of the league for cocaine. Go figure.

Pronger? Wants out?

2006-06-23T16:33:00.000-06:00

http://www.sportsnet.ca/hockey/article.jsp?content=20060623_153924_3904

He wants out of Edmonton? Don't we all...

Really though, i think this is the downside of the salary cap for smaller places. Given that the top flight players can earn the same amount anywhere now, things like quality of life and where the wife wants to live will become pretty important. Sucks though because it could hurt a fair number of teams.

The [Sports] Gods Must Be Crazy...

2006-06-21T03:57:00.000-06:00

(Incoming self-centered, completely subjective, fanboy rant... enjoy.)

You know, I'm not a particularly religious man - I don't normally believe that there are special Gods that control individual facets of human life, nor do I believe that anything I do or say has any sort of spiritual influence on a team's performance. However, lately, I am convinced that there must be some sort of "sports Gods" that really do exist; and something I said must have really rubbed them the wrong way.

Perhaps it was in late February when I publicly ragged on Wayne Gretzky for picking a shit team to send to Torino... maybe it's that I recently told some friends my top-3 favourite ballers of all-time, all being white guys (Stockton, Maravich and Nash, for those curious) and none being Michael Jordan (he's up there, stop crying)... I can't even think of any other potential fodder. The reason I say all this is because - as you have likely assumed from the picture - every team that I have thrown my support behind, since the turn of '06, has gone on a spectacular run, only to be fucked sideways in the end. It just so happens that those four teams are my favourites in their respective leagues.

Early January saw the Denver Broncos cap off an impressive 13-3 run (impressive because everyone automatically assumed that Jake Plummer didn't know quarterbacking from a hole in the ground), followed up by a win against the "unstoppable" New England Patriots. Long story short, the Broncos get ass-fucked in the AFC Championship by the eventual Super Bowl Champions, the Pittsburgh Steelers. That, by itself, is nothing. However, being blindsided by losses and eliminations, in the last 2 days, has led me to believe that the Broncos loss was just a nice little piece of foreshadowing. How often is it that you find someone who has three of their teams eliminated from their respective contentions, in the span of only 2 days? Not often. I'd even argue closer towards never. Let's continue, shall we...

The Edmonton Oilers: Ahh, my childhood hockey team. Through thick and thin, I've continued to hang onto the bandwagon, even if it was by my fingertips grasping the back bumper. They finally go on an amazing run, overcome some odds, no one thought they could do it, fine and dandy... couldn't win the actual big one when it counted, when the Stanley Cup was in grasp. Eliminated Monday.

Trinidad and Tobago: Up until their draw against Sweden, I didn't realistically expect them to have a chance. All they needed yesterday was a 2 goal-win against Paraguay, and for Sweden to lose to England, while being held scoreless. Doesn't seem that unreasonable, no? Coincidentally enough, the exact opposite happened (hold the Swedes winning, they ended in a draw). This one was the least depressing because at least the team was entertaining, if not for their football skills, for Dwight Yorke's near masturbation on camera and the fact that Russell Latapy got into yesterday's match despite being 37-years-old and currently smoking two packs a day. Only in Trinidad, folks...

The Dallas Mavericks: With the two aforementioned losses having happened back-to-back, I completely forgot about tonight's Miami/Dallas matchup. How nice of a surprise it was for me to switch to ABC and suddenly see D-Wade clasping the Larry O'Brien Trophy and Disco Dirk's head hanging in disappointment. I see that Miami, at least, gets to complete their comeback. Go figure...

I guess what I'm getting at here is that, if any of you guys have teams that you don't want to see win a championship this year - or maybe even teams that you've wagered money against - feel free to let me know, so that I can start showing support for them. I'm riding lower than the '75 Washington Capitals right now; might as well use this newfound hex of mine to help some people out. Go Brazil Go!

Welcome

2006-06-19T21:07:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to say anything more about hockey other than this.

Welcome to what the ending of the 03/04 playoffs felt like for me Oiler fans.
Kind of sucks doesn't it?

My Life as a Sports Fan

2006-06-14T05:03:00.000-06:00

*sappy post alert. This is why I hate blogs, right here*

So today I turn 20. Yeah, I'm a youngin. Anyways, I was sitting there thinking about how the Oilers' playoff run has affected me and wondered how exactly I had come to this place.

When I was 6, my family moved from Iqaluit to Winnipeg. I had never heard of sports at all really. My dad had a blue Bills sweatshirt he bought in Buffalo one year, but I had no idea who the Bills were. I had seen pictures of my grandparents in Oilers jerseys during the 80s. Again, no clue. Moving to Winnipeg (and watching TV channels besides the Disney one) changed all of this.

My First sports memory is October-ish of 1992, when the Blue Jays were playing the Braves in the World Series. I didn't really know what was going on, but I was at a Beavers meeting at a friends house and the game was on in the background. I just remember the Devon White triple-play-that-was-wrongfully-ruled-a-not-triple-play upsetting all the adults in the room.

Around the same time, ESSO started giving out free packs of hockey cards when you filled up your tank. Gas cost like 40 cents/litre back then and two stations in town would regularly drop to 20 cents in a gas war. Anyways, my dad drove from the southwest end of town to the airport in the north every day to work, so we were using our fair share of gas, and my mom was raking in these hockey cards. Then My dad took me to a Jets game.

Getting my first Teemu Selanne card was the first happiest day of my life. It took me like 3 months of collecting before I got one. Then, for my 7th birthday, my parents bought me one of his rookie cards. My love affair with hockey really stemmed through my connection with those cards. I recognized players from their cards and would recite their stats to my dad during games, as well as what Upper Deck had to say about them on those special inserts. My weekly allowance, earned from cleaning the basement and doing the garbage, would be used to buy hockey cards.

That winter, Selanne took me on a magical ride, scoring 76 goals, haviong 132 points, being unstopapble on breakaways and penalty shots, throwing his glove in the air and shooting in with his golden stick. I loved the man more than life itself. I was there for the game against Quebec. I was there for "52,53,54, Bossy's record is no more. The Jets won 7-5. 54 was on a wrap around where Selanne deked Fiset to the ground about 15 feet in front of the crease then calmly slipped around the net and tucked it in. I was there for the game against the Leafs where he topped Stastny. It was uncanny how he resonated with the fans, how his rivalry with Bure developed into a war between the two teams. It was only fitting the Canucks and Jets met in the first round that year. It hurt me bad the Jets lost.

One other glaring moment from that first year was a late-night HNIC game featuring the Jets and Flames. My Calgarian-uncle Ken was in town for Christmas and we engaged in a hearty verbal exchange over whose team was better. The Flames prevailed. It was either 3-2 or 4-2. I've hated them ever since.

IN Novemeber of 92, I watched the hometown Blue Bombers lose to the Stamps in the Grey Cup. Man I hated Flutie. A year later, the Eskies would give them the same treatment. Despite my earlier attachment to teh Bombers, however, I never stuck with them, flipping around depending on where I was living, cheering for the Lions in BC, for the Esks now.

JAnuary of 93 brought my first NFL game. Bills vs. Cowboys. My dad cheered for the Bills, so obviously I picked the Cowboys. It may seem like bandwagon jumping, but I swear, the Cowboys became my favourite team simply so i could root against my dad. IN the mid-90s, as the arrests and drug charges piled up, my interest in the cowboys waned. I latched onto the Bucs for a little while, won a super bowl with them, gained little satisfaction and stopped really caring about american football.

That Spring, the defending World Series Champs trotted out an amazing line-up. White, Alomar, Molitor, Carter, Olerud, Sprague, Borders, Fernandez and LF-du-jour, at leats until the acquired Henderson. Hentgen, Guzman, Stewart, Morris, Stottlemeyer. Ward, Leiter, Timlin, Eichhorn. Coke had a psychadelic commercial with a BLue Jays themed Jingle and the Jays walked off with one of the most memorable moments in baseball history, Joe Carter's 3-run bomb that never gets enough credit for being one of the best HRs of all-time. Olerud batted .363 and led the Al. Molitor finished2nd at .332 and Alomar went 3rd at .326. No, I didn't look any of that up.

That following winter, Selanne would tear his knee-tendon and miss half the year. It was kinda disappointing because he only had 54 points in like 51 games. Then the baseball and hockey strikes hit, the Jays couldn't three-peat, and the team was never the same after that. The same year (94), I moved from Winnipeg to Prince George, BC. I cried because I couldn't watch the Jets anymore.

In September of 94, the Victoria Cougars of the WHL moved to Prince George. I attended the first game in a too-small arena (the new one had yet to be built) sitting behind the bench of the Tacoma Rokcets and listening to their trainer swear all game. My dad was unimpressed.

In 96, after putting up ridiculous numbers, the Jets dealt Selanne to Anaheim for Chad KIlger and Oleg Tverdovsky. Smart move assholes. I ripped up my autographed picture of then Jets GM John Paddock. That summer, the Jets moved to Phoenix. I was 10. I cried again.

That summer, I was staying up late to watch a Jays-Angels game on the West Coast. That game was 10-years ago today. The Ump blew a call at second base in the 9th that would have let the Jays tie it. They lost instead, 7-6 I believe. My dad was in the garage, building my first basketball net.

Earlier that year, at Easter, we were in Vancouver and I went to my first NBA game: Grizzlies-Suns. Kevin Johnson hit a half-court buzzer-beater at the end of the first quarter. The Grizz got killed.

Most of my years in Prince George were consumed by the Cougars. I got to know and cheered for Eric Brewer, Zdeno Chara, Trent Hunter, Blair Betts, Tyler Bouck and Dan Hamhuis. I remember one game, Calgary's only visit of the season, the Hitmen still had Brendl and were top three in the league. The game was on a Tuesday or Wednesday, but my Dad let me go. The Music system went out, only the PA worked, and the fans made noise all game long. It was the most ridiculous fan display I have ever been apart of.

Ever playoff would come down to the same thing. The Cougars would win their first round match-up against Kamloops or Kelowna (both teams were huge rivals, newspaper and radio made huge deals about these series). Then they would face Seattle in the stupid "extra round" thing that the WHL playoffs used to have. It was a short, five-game series that the Cats would win. Then they played Spokane and lost in 7. I hated the Chiefs so badly.

In the summer of 1998, during a trip to Toronto, I went to my first baseball game. Roger Clemens was on the mound. Wow. Toronto won 7-5, but man was Clemens sweet to watch. 7 years later, I woudl return to Skydome (Rogers Centre) with my dad. We bought walk-up ticketsd, sat in the right-field bleachers, heckled the A's bullpen catcher and RF Nick Swisher all game. Well, almost all game. In the top of the 7th, Swisher belted a HR 10 feet to my left. We didn't heckle him in the bottom.

Spring Break 2002 brought a team trip to Oregon for a Tournament. We hung there while The Ducks played Texas in the Sweet 16. On the way back, we were on court during halftime of a Osnic-Jazz game. I high-fived Gary Payton. I saw MAlone and Stockton run the pick-and-roll. I applied for a Seattle Supersonics Mastercard and got a free T-shirt.

IN Marches of 04, 05 and 06, I would book off work or skip school for the first weekedn of the Madness, and me and my buddy Vince would sit in front of my TV for 15 hours, watching ball, cheering the underdogs with 5'4" PGs and only getting up to go for Booster Juice and Little Caesars.

October 03 brought a cold bunch of me and my friends to College Corner at an Eskies game. It also brought my first face painting for a team. We also had ESKS done on our chests. There was a fight and some girl spilled beer on a guy. We were the onyl fans in the section who didn't get kicked out.

In University, balancing fandom with unbiased reporting has created a new challenge. I wa sentirely unprofessional during the Can West Final Four in 05 when Melnychuk hit his game-tying shot. I'm pretty sure that's the only time Chris and I have hugged. And thank God we chose the stands and not the Table for Alex Steele's shot against Calgary earlier this year. That brought me up out my seat as well.

And that brings us to this Year's Playoff run. I last shaved on the day the Oilers clinched the playoffs, April 13. It has been 62 days since, and my beard is killing me. I've watched every game except one (game 2 vs. detroit). I've made plans that make no sense at all, just to watch the games with the same people because we were winning. I was at Game 6 against Detroit, painted copper and blue (well, orange, not copper), hugging complete strangers in section 224. I've walked Whyte twice, high-fived cops and people in moving vehicles. I've stayed in a bar for 5 hours after a softball game with Dave Berry, Scott Lilwall, Ben Carter and Steve Smith. I've pounded a table so hard I've spilled water on myself. I've made hundreds of Flames jokes at Kendrick's expense, and for every one, I've bitched twice about how itchy my face is. By the end of tonight, I'll probably have shaved it off and the city will be mellowed by an Oilers loss. Then again, who knows. The only sure thing is that, on my 20th birthday, I'll be surrounded by friends and family, the people who have been involved in every one of these memories, counting on an unkempt beard and an unwashed Oilers T-shirt and Jersey to be lucky for one more win. 62 days or 65 or 67, this playoffs run has been a greta ride, and so has everythign else I've gotten to do. There are not many 20 year-olds who have experienced as much as I have, and for that I am greatful.

*end of sappy, no one wants to read emo-blogging*

Reason why I should be in pro sports management no. 1

2006-06-10T10:37:00.000-06:00

So this morning, while sitting in my gonchies and eating a bowl of mini-wheats, I came up with a plan to save the Oilers. It's funny, because as I'm sure most of you already know, I hate the Oilers more than pretty much anything else in sports (let's not get into why right now, maybe I'll save that for another post on another day). Regardless of that, though, this is what I'd do if I were the coach, or on the coaching staff of the Oilers:

Put Georges Laraque in net.

At a time like this, your team needs a total shakeup. And face it: your team is fucked right now. The Oilers have let in what, ten goals in the last two games. They're coming off of a demoralizing shutout loss after losing Roloson, and when they got back to a rainy E-town this week, there was no one at the airport waiting to greet them. Some of the guys' wives didn't even show up.

So tonight at the start of game three, when the teams are skating circles around the rink and the fans are (presumably) going apeshit because OHMYGODITSTHEOILANDTHEY'REINTHESTANLEYCUPFINALS!!!!111!!! the whole arena and Carolina will be shocked to see Georges skate out wearing Roloson's jersey and taking his place between the pipes. The move could be shocking enough to throw the 'Canes off, and enough for the Oilers to eek out a win in this series. Also, Laraque in net could be the most violent thing the NHL has seen since Ron Hextal. That guy was gangster.

I tried to make a pic with Laraque's head on Roloson's body but I don't have the software to do it. Pathetic.

The other football

2006-05-25T15:39:00.000-06:00

In general, I'm a pretty casual soccer fan. It's hard, in Canada, to really properly follow European league soccer. It can be done, but involves a lot of time and effort that I really can't spare, not to mention extended cable packages and watching games in the middle of the night. If I lived in Europe, though, I'd go nuts. I think it's one of the most entertaining sports to watch. Consequently, I am super-duper excited about the 2006 FIFA World Cup, which begins play on 9 June. It's a chance to watch a bunch of soccer at once in an uncomplicated tournament system.

I have my expectations, and my hopes, of which teams will advance out of the group round. Sometimes they coincide, sometimes they don't.
Group A: Poland, Germany, Costa Rica, Ecuador
It looks here like the host team will sail smoothly into the second round. Germany would be a contender in any group, but they shouldn't see much trouble getting out of this one especially. The race is for second-place in the group. I think Poland is one of those teams that will try really hard, and win everyone's heart before being eliminated later on. I think they might have an edge over both South American teams, but maybe that's just wishful thinking, because I would like to see them advance.

Group B: England, Paraguay, Trinidad & Tobago, Sweden
What I would love to see in this group is England and Sweden advancing, though it's always nice to see the little countries make good. If T&T were in a different group, maybe I could bother to like them, but not when there's competition like this for my affections. Now, for reality. Much hangs for England on the fate of Wayne Rooney, the young Man U striker who was so indespensible at the European Cup 2 years ago, and who broke his foot last month. Pending his MRI results, we still don't know if he'll play. I think they can get out of group without him, but could have serious problems later on if he isn't able to suit up. (For a hilarious column on the causes of his foot problems, read this). England's also had some other injuries, including Sol Campbell and Michael Owen, but I think they're healing up.
Paraguay isn't bad, but T&T will get slammed, and Sweden and England will advance. Yay.

Group C: Argentina, Cote d'Ivoire, Serbia-Montenegro, Netherlands (i.e. this year's Group of Death)
I love the Netherlands. I loved visiting the country, and I love the Oranje. I think I would put my money on them and Argentina (who I don't particularly like) advancing...but who knows. S-M is a good team, and I've heard some definite talk that Cote could be this year's Senegal. Edge-of-seat stuff.

Group D: Mexico, Iran, Angola, Portugal
I don't like Iran. I don't like their human rights record, and I don't like their soccer team. So there. Luckily, they won't advance. Portugal, who were so much fun to watch two years ago, will, as will Mexico, who are very good.

Group E: Italy, Ghana, USA, Czech Republic
Maybe it's that they have nice uniforms and pretty blond hair, but I like the Czechs. I'm not so sure about the Italians. They're not usually one of my favourites, despite also being named after a colour, but I think if they don't advance this year, the entire Italian soccer community will collectively jump off a bridge. They've had it hard in the last few weeks. I like little African countries too, though, so it's a tough call. The US can go home, I don't care.
Just like I don't know who I like better, I don't know for sure who'll advance in this one. All of them seem pretty good to me, and I don't know enough to make a really good guess. Let's say... the US and Italy. Don't quote me on it, though.

Group F: Brazil, Japan, Croatia, Australia
Brazil is the almost unanimous favourite for the entire tournament, and one of their players is named Robinho (and another named Kaka), so I have to like them too. They'll advance with Croatia, I think. That'd be fine with me.

Group G: France, Switzerland, Korea, Togo
I don't particularly like France, though I think they have a good chance. I'd love to see Togo advance, as well, but they won't. It'll be France and Switzerland, unless Korea gets lucky.

Group H: Spain, Ukraine, Tunisia, Saudi Arabia
Again, my dislike for a country colours my opinion of their soccer team, so those sneaky oligarchs are dead to me. But who doesn't love Ukraine here? First time in the tournament, becoming more democratic every day...I wish them the best. Neither Tunisia nor SA is anything particularly special, so I see Spain advancing, with either Ukraine or Tunisia behind them.

So there you have it; extremely biased and highly unscientific guesses. Do not, under any circumstances, make wagers based on these estimations. Unless you're betting on Brazil. You can bet your house on them.

I Have a Bone To Pick...

2006-05-22T12:10:00.000-06:00

With the guys, namely Andy Grabia, over at Sports Matters . Generally speaking, I enjoy their work, but today's post about the greatest nicknames in sports definitely has some flaws.

First off, I enjoy the way that they broke it down by major sport, but there definitely should have been an extra top-10 list for those athletes not from hockey, baseball, football or basketball. They induct Muhammad Ali into their Hall of Fame, you're telling me he doesn't earn a place alongside say, "The Big Easy" Ernie Els and Eldrick "Tiger" Woods and "Sugar" Ray Robinson/Leonard? In fact, we'll take those four, mix them with "The Bronx Bull" Jake LaMotta, "Iron" Mike Tyson, "Flo-Jo" for starting the whole fucking syllable abbreviation nickname thing, "The Golden Bear" Jack Nicklaus, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler, Bjorn "Ice Borg" Borg and "The Flying Tomato" Shaun White (This is what happens when you let snowboarders win Olympic Medals), in a top-10 list of non-major sports nicknames.

Now, my biggest deviation comes with their basketball list:

Basketball Honourable Mention: The Big Fundamental (Tim Duncan), Pistol Pete
(Pete Maravich), His Airness (Michael Jordan), The Glide (Clyde Drexler),
Black
Mamba (Kobe Bryant), The Dream (Hakeem Olajuwon), Big Nasty (Corliss
Williamson), The Dunkin' Dutchman (Rik Smits), The Pearl (Earl Monroe), The
Big
O (Oscar Robertson), The Houdini of the Hardwood (Bob Cousy), The Cooz
(Bob
Cousy),The Kandi Man (Michael Olowokandi), The Rain Man (Shawn Kemp),
The Spider (John Salley), The Truth (Paul Pierce), The X-Man (Xavier Xavier
McDaniel), Zeke from Cabin Creek (Jerry West)

10. The Grand Teuton
(Detlef Schrempf)
9. The Glove (Gary Payton)
8. The Mailman (Karl
Malone)
7. The Iceman (George Gervin)
6. The Human Highlight Reel
(Dominique Wilkins)
5. Grandma-ma (Larry Johnson)
4. Chocolate Thunder
(Darryl Dawkins)
3. The Round Mound of Rebound (Charles Barkley)
2. The
Basketball Jesus (Larry Bird)
1. The Big Aristotle (Shaquille O'Neal)

Let's start with the honourable mentions. They don't even give a whiff to "The Big Dipper" Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain. Shawn Kemp's nickname is "The Reign Man" because he reigns over the hoop. It is a play on words to the rain in Seattle, not a direct reference. Also, Kobe called himself "Black Mamba", so it shouldn't really count. This brings me to my next point: There is no way Shaq makes the top of this list. The Big Aristotle isn't even his most used nickname, AND it is self-appointed. Good nicknames can't be self-appointed. They just don't work that way. Also not deserving of spots in the top ten are "Grandma-ma" Larry Johnson and The Grand Teuton. Not that those aren't amusing/good nicknames, but the NBA features guys like Earl "the Pearl" Monroe and "Pistol" Pete Maravich whose nicknames have taken the place of their last names. I have never heard Detlef Schrempf referred to as "The Grand Teuton", nor have I heard Earl Monroe referred to as anything but "Earl the Pearl". Same goes with Pistol Pete, Clyde Frazier and Clyde "The Glide" Drexler.

Next Up:

Historically, I think football has the worst nicknames of all. It was
not
until the arrival of Chris Berman that football finally saw a renaissance in
nickname giving. The vast majority of Boomer's names do not make my lists,
as I
have already done a post on his wondrous
work.His nicknames often do not stick, either. They are used by him and
by
fans, but you won't usually see them in print or on things like
posters.

Now, Andy must not have paid much attention to the NFL in the past year because both Pacman Jones and Cadillac Williams have ascended to "no first name" territory after only one season. Also, neither is a Berman-given nickname.
I have some issues with the NHL list as well, namely with Pat Verbeek, Ken Linesman and Kent Nilsson, but I'm going to chalk a lot of that up to Oiler Bias and the desire for their list to reflect not the important nicknames, but the obscure-ish ones that sound funny. I just think it's a little inconsistent that the Baseball and Football list have the classic, well known nicknames, but the hockey and basketball ones are filled with the obscure-yet-somewhat-amusing.

The greatest first round game 7 ever?

2006-05-06T18:54:00.000-06:00

For those of you too hockey-obsessed to notice, the NBA's first round has been absolutely nuts. I could give you guys a series-by-series breakdown, but that'd be boring. Instead, I'm just going to go with the greatest moment of celeb insight I've ever had. Consider this:

Suns GM Jerry Colangelo

And Bears basketball head coach Don Horwood

Seperated at birth?

More updates to come.

-----Update-----

Kwame Brown is the NBA's version of Jeff Stork: can't catch a ball to save his life.

-----Update-----

With the Suns up 14 in the second, Kobe goes to the line to a "Kobe sucks" chant. He makes both free throws and does a Hulk Hogan-type hand to the ear thing to the crowd. Kobe, if you've ever wondered why 90% of NBA fans hate you, take a look at this tape after the game.

Suns up 15 at the half

-----Update-----

A Raja Bell trey puts Phoenix up 25 in the third quarter. Pending a ridiculous Kobe outburst in the fourth, which isn't entirely impossible, and a complete collapse on the part of the Suns, I think Kobe and the Lakers are gonna be playing golf tomorrow.

The third comes to an end and Kevin Harlan of TNT calls it: either we're going to see Kobe come out crazy in the fourth quarter, or the Lakers are going to be a part of playoff history. I'm leaning towards the latter. Kobe's done some amazing shit this season, but single-handedly overcoming a 25-point deficit in the fourth quarter of game seven against the Suns? I don't think so.

Phx 90—LA 65 end 3rd

-----Update-----

Suns totally own the fourth. When will Kobe take over? 26-point Suns lead and Kobe's doing nothing.

Kevin Harlan: Suns made no bones about it: they were going to to shove it inside, pound it inside...

Pat fuckin' Burke hits the insult trey on the Lakers. Pat Burke, who looks like the big bald guy from the Score (Tim McCallif?)

Kobe looks dejected as he sits on the bench.

Eddie House is going off in garbage time. Suns, 121: Lakers, 88. Ugly. Will Kobe cry?

No, not in front of the cameras, anyway. Kobe heads straight to the locker room with no handshakes. Class is...

Final score: Phx 121–LA 90
--------
Postgame comments: Where was Kobe all night? Was he proving a point to Phil Jackson? Was PJ proving a point to him? Were the Suns just a better team? I kept waiting for Kobe to go off, or at least try to take over in the fourth; maybe it was too late for that. Maybe he should have tried that in the 3rd quarter. Either way, me and old Rossy polished off a case of Kokanee during the game and now we're ready for a night of adventure. Rock!

What a Night:

2006-05-03T00:18:00.000-06:00

So me and my buddies somehow had tickets to last night's game. With our Oilers jerseys, painted faces, silver pompoms stuck into Oilers hats and a flag-turned-cape, we headed down to The Pill to watch the Oilers emerge victorious. Some thoughts from 24 hours later:

-The Drunkards behind me yelling "Chelios beats children!" throughout the game, then during the second intermission, calmly calling ym attention and letting me know that they "read it on the Internet" and to "pass it down."
-Being scared shitless of Roloson in the second(The Cleary crossbar grab and the dump in fumble where Pronger had to cold-cock him just to get him to fall on the puck and stop play).
-Singing "Fernando" after both of Pisani's goals
-Acknowledging the irony that Detroit is nothing but Swedes, yet we're singing ABBA.
-Heckling Detroit in Swedish and drawing awkward stares from the fans around me.
-Pondering if I could hit the ice with my hat from the 36th row should Pisani score again.
-Seeing that the Hemsky goal was scored unnaturally.
-Being Awe-struck by the fact that the entire arena was standing and giving the axe to Manny after the 3rd goal. The entire fucking place.
-Our entire section turning into a giant goup-hug after the second Hemsky goal.
-Feeling that Hemsky was not one of the three stars on that game. (more on this below).
-Wanting to grab some confetti as we left the arena(I didn't).
-Being honked at by every car who saw we were wearing Oilers stuff outside the stadium.
-The tow truck with the "Red Wings road kill" car and the pick-up with the Yzerman hanging.
-Honking at everyone with an Oilers jersey as my friends leaned out the window.
-Pandemonium at the Arena, calm until Grant MacEwan, pandemonium down 109 to the High Level, calm to 1905, then well, Whyte Ave.
-Listening to Manny say he wanted to hang himself after the game.
-Laughing at my buddy Jake(pictured) screaming "Don't Do it Manny,"
-Thinking the Oilers should bring in Legace next season.
-Throwing up my hand for a high five and knowing I'd get one back, no matter where I was.
-High Fiving people in cars and the cops.
-Some guys yelling "Show us your tits for Pisani."
-Some girls yelling at me to "show them my tits."
-Doing it.
-Then High-fiving them.
-Meeting up with Renfree and both of us being too ecstatic to make a whoel lot of sense.
-Trying to go to bed at 1:30 with my ears still ringing from all the noise.

What a night.

As for Hemsky, he's getting way too much fucking credit. He ruined at least 3 odd-man rushes in the first two periods, his third goal was a fluke thanks to Lidstrom, and on the GWG, he lost the puck, but Samsonov picked it up, surrounded by 4 guys, then feathered the pass through Nik "3-time Norris winner" Lidström's legs, probably the only time that's happened all season. Hemsky was just a case of "right-place, right-time." Stop the Hero-worship for him and shovel it onto Pisani. He deserves it.

There was something in the air last night, the stars were bright, Fernando.
And if you'd gone and scored again, my hat was yours my friend, Fernandooooooooooooooooo.

As Matt Frehner put it: O M G

2006-04-25T10:41:00.000-06:00

-MEDIA ADVISORY-

97.3 K-ROCK Changes Its Name To 97.3 OILERS!

April 25th, 2006, Edmonton: At 5:00am this morning, 97.3 K-ROCK has changed its name to 97.3 OILERS.

K-ROCK listeners will wake up to a new station this morning, Edmonton’s Classic ROCK 97.3 OILERS, featuring a new station logo, hockey content, classic hockey songs and the best classic rock songs in the planet.

“We want to show our listeners and Edmonton, the City Of Champions, how passionate we are about our hockey team”, says Rob Mise Operations Manager, 97.3 OILERS!

To celebrate our new name, please join 97.3 OILERS at the Game tonight for the official Tailgate Party taking place in the parking lot right across from Rexall Place off Wayne Gretzky Drive. We’re cooking up some “Red” Wings and serving up some Alberta Beef Burgers. PLUS stop by and join the Red Wings precession followed by a wake for the late Red Wings.

Listeners can listen LIVE on 97.3 FM on the dial or online at http://www.973oilers.com/.

I swear to God this better be a joke. What a stupid idea. Just thinking about this makes me upset. Also, Ross, you don't get to hold this one against Oilers fans, just Newcap Radio. Wow. I don't think I can go on. I'm too riled up right now. Needless to say though, this may be the worst idea in the history of sports.

2006-04-23T23:08:00.000-06:00

There are a large number of ways one could respond the rampant anti-Calgarianism that seems to nurture Paul, new guy and the rest of this godforsaken little city. Be it in politics, sports or pretty much anything else everyone who lives in Edmonburg gloss over the (obvious) failings of this little pimple on the edge of the earth to take a shot at Calgary. While I’m sure this is amusing to the few thousand of you in this city who have the ability to make a gym sock look smart, I’ve grown to find it petty.

So here's the deal, instead of getting into a petty pissing match I’ve decided to take the advice of a Mr O', last name Leary and just ignore the idiocy that comes cascading from all of you. Living in "Alberta's silver medal may be fine for you, but it's not for me. So getting tickets to game 6 or bashing the Red Mile may help you temporarily fill some empty part of your soul. I'll take the 7 games in the 03-04 playoffs that I went to and being able to celebrate my team without constantly see if it measures up against our rival over that any day of the week.

Also, nice to see that the bar's been set so low for this blog already. The over/under on me quitting the sports section is 6 issues.

Radketball needs more of these:

2006-04-23T21:17:00.000-06:00

Seriously. Someone buy one of these for the office. Dibs out!

Fuck Yeah I Do

2006-04-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I, Paul Owen, hereby announce my intentions to purchase ticket to Game 6 of the Oilers-Red Wings series. Actually, provided the Wings can force a sixth game, I already have mine. Why Game 6? Because a friend of mine who has been referred to as a pussy in the past (that has no bearing on the story, but I like bringing it up) has an exam Wednesday and Friday, and apparently that means he can't go to game 3 or 4 (and apparently it also means we can't go to game 3 or 4 without him) either way, Game 6. Ticket. Woo. Eat it Ross.

PS: I know, as a Phoenix fan, it's sort of blasphemous to cheer for the Oilers during the playoffs, but Phoenix isn't even in them; I've followed(if not cheered for per se) the Oil all year and, the Oil are the hometown team, so I figure it's okay, as long as I conitnue to wear my Phoenix Coyotes jersey during the anthem for every game I watch on TV. Am I being a bangwagon jumper? A sports bigamist? Do I need to sell my playoff ticket? Do I need to wear the Coyotes jersey to the game and brag about the 76 Gretzky shot the day before? How do I proceed to succeed in this situation?

Edit:
This is what I like to see Anaheim. Eat it Calgary.

I <3 Eric Francis

2006-04-18T14:11:00.000-06:00

http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Columnists/Francis/2006/04/17/1537624-sun.html

"Before anyone in Edmonton starts planning another futile attempt to keep up with Calgary by starting the 'Whyte Mile,' remember: The party doesn't start until you win."

So, then, I guess - by Francisian logic - if the party doesn't start until you win, the Flames party in '03-04 started a tad prematurely, no? What a contradiction. Perhaps the Flames and Flamers alike should have paid a little more attention to beating the hockey hotbed that is Tampa Bay, and a little less time preparing to toss it up on 17th Ave. and, subsequently, rub their collective ass in E-Town's face.

Speaking of "The Red Mile", Calgarians can have that one all they want. In fact, while we're at it, they can have their precious "Sea of Red" and "flamesgirls.com", too. I hope that Oiler fans take the high road (as they have done so many times in the past, seeing as how they've made the playoffs so many more times than the Flamers) and, once again, not feel inclined to use some sort of hefty gimmick to dress up their playoff run.

First of all, the fans at Rexall don't need to all come decked out in navy blue or copper, because they have something else going for them: they're the loudest fans in the National-motherfuckin'-Hockey League. Second, I would hope that Edmontonians are a little more clever than to come up with a direct rip-off, and something as lame as the "Whyte Mile" (kudos to Eric, though, for making it seem like he actually did some research into our little hick joint by citing our most popular avenue). Third, assuming the Oilers do go on a lengthy run, I do want to see some titties out on Whyte - don't get it twisted. But, fuck, I don't want to see Oilers' girls stooping to the level of "whoring themselves out" by starting a fucking website for themselves. Pathetic much?

Joe Thornton is the next Gretzky!

2006-04-17T00:28:00.000-06:00

Okay, so maybe he doesn't score like Gretzky, but the guy clearly is the best set-up guy in the league right now. He also basically decided he was going to win the Art Ross two weeks ago and scored 19 points since then, including 17 in his last 6 games. I mean, maybe he'll never score 200 in a season, but he did turn Jonathan Cheechoo into a 50-goal scorer and then again, Dwayne Roloson will never win the Vezina giving up 5 goals/game the way Mike Luit did in 1982 (okay, this is sort of a lie, but I used a real guy's name, so it makes it SEEM to be true).

He's also not something that Gretzky is, and that my friends, is a pussy. Look at the sheer rage on Joe's face in this photo. He's always good to go apeshit in a game and rack up like 2 points and 25 PIM--Terrific for fantasy stats. You'd never see Gretz doing this. In fact, Gretzky would be off in the corner turtling while McSorely fought. And yes I am bitter his wife's gambling submarined his team's playoff hopes. Bitch.

My point: anyone who doesn't take Joltin' Joe first overall in their fantasy league next year (and yes, I'm looking at you Jarome Ross Prusakowski) is an idiot. Later this week (or maybe next, let's see how hard I study): Players I inexplicably like despite lack of skill/numbers.

Hypocrite junction, aka putting down the h8erade

2006-04-16T22:21:00.000-06:00

Check the Crap Shack to learn about my first hypocritical realization of the day. Realization number two is an O'Leary sports world bombshell:

I don't hate Kobe Bryant anymore.

You read correctly. I no longer hate 8. I can't. Don't get me wrong, his faults are as glaring as ever: he's a ball hog, the game's biggest A-hole, and the walking antithesis to the team game. At the same time, however, there's the fact that Kobe has topped 40+ points 27 times this season; he's cracked 50+ 6 times, 60+ once, and of course, he put 81 on the Raps in January—it's hard to hate that. So, despite all of Kobe's shortcomings as a member of a team and of the human race (why is it that you stopped going for treatments in Colorado, Kobe?), I've got to say that his approach to this season, if not videogame-esque, is the equivalent to a one-man travelling freakshow in a pair of Zoom Kobe's (which, by the way, is a kick-ass shoe).

I was talking about this with Danny (who refuses to give KB8 any love) and he said that in a few year's time, LeBron will be putting up the same numbers and doing it the right way, and I have no doubt that he will. I told him that when that happens, I'll like Bron way more than I've ever liked Kobe, but until it does, I think we at least need to respect the previously unchartered levels of one-man-showmanship that Kobe's showing us can exist outside of the world of EA sports.

And so the courts spoke.....

2006-04-05T23:08:00.000-06:00

Toronto, Canada (AP)--A seven year old boy was at the center of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

An old joke, but a good one none the less.

Flames:4 Deadmonton:1

2006-04-03T00:02:00.000-06:00

That about describes the Oilers play from last night and the Rexall Place security who patted down Flames fans and were needlessly surly to anyone wearing red. Seriously, I've worn my Flames jersey in other arenas when the Flames have played and been treated with respect and good natured trash talk from other teams fans and arena staff. In Rexall I've had more surly service, vaguely threatening conversations with staff and fans then anywhere else. Except for Commonwealth when the Stamps are in town. Suppose it's good to feed the rivarly, but lord does it make me loathe the Oilers that much more.

UCLA vs. FLA--Fuck it

2006-04-02T22:17:00.000-06:00

You know, This has been my favourite March Madness in a long time, maybe ever. I mean, look at the games:

George Washington(8) vs. UNC-Wilmingon(9):

Teams shot a combined 21-44 from three point land and the game was decided by 3 in OT.

Iowa(3) vs. Northwestern St.(14):

I know what you're thinking, which state? The answer is Louisiana. Kudos to CBS for answering that. Beyond that, NWSt drilled a turnaround, fallaway three from the corner at the buzzer to win it 64-63.

LSU (4) vs. Texas A&M (12):

Darrell Mitchell drilled a beyond-NBA-range three with 3.9 left to win this one for LSU, 58-57.

Texas (2) vs. West Virginia (6):

Kevin "Pitters" Pittsnogle bounced in a three with 5 seconds left, despite it hitting the rim twice and the backboard, and tied the game, but Craig Paulino came back for the Longhorns and hit a ridiculously long, off-balance three with a hand in his face to win it 74-71.

UCLA (2) vs. Gonzaga (3):

This game was bullshit. I don't want to talk about it. But if you're a cockass who likes UCLA, you probably thought the ending was incredible. I probably think you're a cockass.

Conneticut(1) vs. Albany (16):

This game ended up a blowout, but the fact remains: Albany was up 12 with under 10 left in the second half, and was still leading with about 6 minutes left. It's the closest a 16 seed has come to upsetting a 1 well, ever.

Tennessee (2) vs. Winthrop(15):

Chris Lofton hit an offbalance three from the corner with no time on the clock to give Tennessee a 63-61 victory. Notice a trend being set yet?

Connecticut(1) vs Washington (4):

98-92 final makes it the highest scoring game in the tournament. Moreover, the game went to OT thanks to a Rashard Anderson 3 with 1.8 left.

George Mason (11) vs. UConn (1):

The game that made GMU a true Cinderella and vaulted them into the F4. They beat a UConn team with three starters taller than anyone on GMU's team.

Boston College (4) vs. Pacific (13):

Two overtimes, numerous precarious lead changes, Christian Maraker drilling a game tying three. This was the first of the exciting games and just set the stage for the entire tourney.

Villanova (1) vs. BC (4)

Nova won it on a goaltending call with 3 seconds left in OT after BC forgot to guard Nova's Will Sheridan on an inbound under their own basket.

My point is that despite all this drama in the first few rounds, the final four games last night were boring and predictable, and left us with two teams that no one could care less about and only one player (Joakim Noah) that can electrify the crowd with an NBA-style game, and he has a shitty ass jumper that makes his essentially one demensional in his own end. I couldn't be more disappointed. I can't even manage to watch to cheer against UCLA or Florida, because that would mean cheering for the other. I could cheer against both, but I don't want to watch a game with a combined shooting % of 14 and 60 turnovers.

Good to see the Jays are bonding

2006-03-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

Though the connections being made appear to be in the form of "penis to anus".

http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article& cid=1143672623767&call_pageid=969907739730&col=970081600908
delete the space after amp; to make the link work.

My favourite part?

'"We spent maybe one-hundredth of what they must've spent."
Asked what he thought Halladay and Burnett spent, Adams said: "Enough to let you know not to mess with them again."
"They out-funded us," laughed Hill.
He and Adams will make roughly $700,000 (all figures U.S.) this season; Halladay and Burnett are in line for a combined $120 million over the next five years.'

I used to think the Oilers sucked at drafting

2006-03-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

But then I saw this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZxNeFLuY98

It does bring up an interesting question however: which team has the worst luck in the draft?

What happens when you're the sports ed.

2006-03-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

So last night, I had not one, but two seperate dreams about Don Horwood--both equally weird. In the first, I was at the Y for open gym, when half of the court was taken by the Bears for their spring training camp thing. Later, after playing on the other half of the court for five seconds or so, I thought it was time to go talk to Horwood about his six new prospects. I walk into the gym, but it's now a swimming pool and he's making them do swimming drills. End of dream.

Dream two came early this morning. I was in a church-type setting, with pews and all. Horwood sat in the back pew and I sat with him. He was dressed like Colonel Sanders in a white suit. We talked about his recruits and next season, but I didn't have my recorder, so all I could think was that I was going to have to go back and interview him officially again and that he'd be annoyed by it. Suddenly five people sat between us and we were talking between them. End of dream two.

Tomorrow I get to live the dream and actually interview the guy. Wow.

PEACE

Gateway Sports blog lives

2006-03-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I'm not a huge fan of blogs, but I'm even less of a fan of being shown up by my co-workers and since Natalie, Lilwall and Amanda have made News and A&E blogs, I feel the need to make one here. Try to keep content code-worthy, but since we aren't officially linked through the Gateway, if you need to be offensive, make STD or cripple jokes or do anything you shouldn't do in the office, this is the place to do it. This can also probably replace the link-swap/discussion thing we have been doing through the email the last two years. We can also use the blog for furthering arguements started during meetings, coming up with group commentary ideas, or anything else that you can think of that makes my job easier.